day 9 - farmers market

So I did it again - I forgot my camera memory card.. So I cannot show pictures of my adventure to the bustling farmers market.. I took the bike and went around west side of diamond head. Half of it was up hill. The up hill part was actually not bad. However, I am not quite in full command of the bike so I feel uncomfortable ridding on the road. As a result, I pushed the bike up hill most of the time and pushed it back all the way until I reached the park. The route was mostly scenery and the market has... a LOT of people.

I don't think the stuffs are particularly cheaper but I think they might be fresher and more unique. There are food vendors, vegetables, seafood, drinks, and plants vendors. I bought 2 papayas for $4:50 (by weight) and 2 mango for $4.40. I also bought a bottle of Hawaii local honey for $9.00. Then I tasted this Hawaiian curry and bought a small bottle to give it a try. That cost me $5.00

I am going back next week. Hopefully I will be able to bike there all the way and back. Maybe next week I should try some food as well.

How can you not be fit if you live in Hawaii?

day 8 - google map rocks!

One of the first things I learned when I arrived in Hawaii is that google map is amazing! When you zoom into the street view, it actually provides bus information. Once zoomed in, you can see the bus stops indicated on the map, in this case, the blue landmark is my apartment and there are some bus stops within walking distance

if you click on the bus icon, google map will bring up a dialog box that shows the different buses that stop here, with some basic information about the bus and their upcoming departures - this is cool... and if you click on the link that reads “upcoming departures”

(cont. fr previous) you actually see the upcoming schedules for all buses that stop at this location - I don't know how acturate the information is but this is cool

but that is not it.. say I want to go to the temple. I locate the temple on the map, and I can click on the blue landmark

then I can get directions by entering my apartment address

here comes the cool part - from the left side, I select “by publuc transit” from the dropdown box. Wa-la, I got route information of how to take bus from orgin to destination. In this case, bus #2 takes me directly from my apartment to the temple!

of course if you need transfer, google map is intelligent enough to tell you so as well. In this case, I will need to transfer one bus to go to school. No big deal, google map tells me to transfer to bus #4 off Hukio street

day 7 - get down to the water

Oh, Yes, I finally made it to the water. The building is built directly off the coast and there is not much sandy area between the gate and the water. The waves come up almost to the gate. I took a picture of my feet while sitting at the small sandy area. The weaves are strong; they come and go and sound loud. I put down my camera and get into the water.

When I look down from above, it does not seem like a big deal. But when you actually get into the water, the ocean seems vast, even more so than when you are upstairs. Without anyone else around and without any life guards, you are on your own.

It is you and the ocean.

I thought I would swim laps but the idea seems silly somehow once you are in the water. I am a little scared and do not want to get too far from the gate. So I sort of swim back and forth just in this very small area. Again, looking from upstairs, everything seems close. But when you are in the water, everything seems very distant.

I finally made it to the water. I will do so daily until I move out of here.

Went to school to see Malia about purchasing a laptop. Nice group of people. Drop off TB document for Bev. Ran into Peter. He took me to this place called Fisher - a warehouse that sells cheap stationary and furniture. I bought a mash chair. It is $160 and I think that is a reasonable price. Now I am sitting on it and I know the problem immediately - after sitting on the seat for a while, it gets hot.

This morning I was watching NBC. Matt Lauer is in Beijing doing Olympic special. The screen said "live" and I was calculating the time difference. Then it daunted on me that the morning news was aired a couple of hours ago. Hawaii residents watch the taped version. Nothing live about it.

day 6 - Mama Mia & Costco

Woke up early morning, got on the Internet and changed all the address to the current coconut address. There is a possibility that I might be able to move in to faculty housing even sooner than September 15. I told them I would be glad to do so. As much as I love where I am, I don't want to get too used to it. People told me I am at the "gold coast" I guess it means something to the locals. P. said I know some rich friends. I guess I don't want people to think of me as someone with rich friends. Granted that there is nothing wrong with being rich, I don't want myself to be too used to this life style.

However, I should probably get down to the water tomorrow. It is such a shame that I am not doing it sooner.

Today is eventful. E. came to pick me up after lunch. We drove around diamond head along the coast to catch the movie - Mama Mia. It was such a fun movie with a very interesting story line and great casts.

After the movie, we had a little afternoon snacks sitting next to the water, with a little breeze and a nice view of the valley - Hawaii living is nice, isn't it? We talked about things in general. I like E. even though her intense personality might be a little too much for me at times, she is a good person with good intentions. She told me that I need to pitch in and do my parts for the department, unlike what Curt said about not working in committees. I can tell that she would not appreciate me not getting involved. I sort of hinted nicely that the closeness here might be something I need time to adjust to. After all, I consider myself a very private person.

Then our last stop is at the costco. I feel so much better now seeing the price. It is so much reasonable and now I feel I can actually live here.

On the way back to my apartment, I had my first sighting of the famous Hawaii rainbow. I was told that rainbow usually appears during close to evening hours. it is a little overcast today so the picture is not great but now I know why Hawaii is called the rainbow state

day 5 - school visit

Not to make anyone jealous but my office does have two windows. It overlooks the parking lot and is right above one of the entrances to the building. However, a window is a window is a window, no complains. I might need to re-arrange the furniture a little. I think I like to face the windows more.

I sat down with Besty and she officially went over some "business" with me. Surprise, surprise, surprise, we talked all about tenure and review process. This morning I had sent Dr. Curtis Bonk's 24 tips on how to get tenure to all of them. We went to this campus place for lunch and Curtis joined us. We went over the 24 tips one by one and they both agreed on all of them. I am very lucky to have a great mentor like Curt. Hawaii people are still nice the way they were during my interview.

I also got my official UH ID today. As soon as I got my ID, I went to put $75 on the card so I can eat on campus using it as a debt card. On my way back to the bus stop, I walked by this beautiful tree. I was so impressed with it lsat time I came for the interview. The colors are so beautiful, even more so when you see it in person. There is actually a plant tour of the campus where you can take a self-guided tour and see all the variety of plants on campus. People said Hawaii is paradise on earth and it is not without merrit.

Tonight, 6 of us met at Duke's, supposely a well-known place. It was packed with people but the open air sitting, music, food, etc were so nice. I can really get use to Hawaii living soon. We were suppose to talk about etec442 but of course it was more social than real business. It was very nice to meet those doctorate students and we will be working together soon.

day 4 - people watching

Woke up at 5am local time, still a little jet lagged but I think I will be over it tomorrow.

Again, those surfers are out in the water as early as 6pm. Today I made a video of the view from my lanai. You can hear the sound of the waves. Remember, it is there 24x7 and you cannot turn it off. :-)

It was just daunted on me that nobody from Houston will call me. Who am I kidding. When I was in Houston, hardly anybody called. Now I am not in Houston, why would anyone call? Why did I save my Houston number? I am kidding myself.

Houston is having a hurricane and UH is closed today. I got a call on my cell about the closing. Suppose I am still on the payroll so I got the call. Good system.

Meeting Ellen after lunch. Period came today. A little too early. Need to get a woman doctor soon.

day 3 - china town

Nothing is more disappointing than a visit to the so-called the largest grocery store in China town.

Yesterday I came to the temple to participate in their dharma assembly. Must be dehydrated and had not had enough to eat for more than 24 hours (after arriving, I only had eaten the food I bought at safeway. Even thought it cost almost $10, it was not very filling at all) I became light headed almost at the end. I had to sat out the last 10 minutes. I drank two glasses of water and rested a little. Immediate after the ceremony was finished, I left. I wanted to make sure I could get myself home safely.

On my way to the bus stop, I ran into this grocery store that calls itself Hong Kong Supermarket. Fruit and vegetables are cash only. Other groceries.... what other groceries? I walked around and around for like 2-3 times to make sure I did not miss anything. Where is anything? How can they call themselves a supermarket if they don't even have frozen dumplings? I finally found the instant noodle alies. Unforunately they don't sell any vegetarian instant noodles.

Today I asked the people at the temple where to go get Chinese groceries. Everyone told me to go to Hong Kong market. I just couldn't believe my ears and kept asking, are you sure that is the largest? What I did not say is, I went yesterday and I did not see too many things there.

Okay, friends in Houston, count your blessings!

Things are beginning to line up here as well.
Monday - visit with Ellen to get up to speed with fall class
Tuesday noon - visit with Besty to check in and to get up to speed with what is ahead
Tuesday evening - visit with Mike, Ellen and Susan to go over fall class

Unfinished Houston business:
CUIN6320 - need to finish it up
CUIN7316 - need to put it online

day 2 - jet lagged

I woke up at 2am local time. The waves could sound like taifong if you are not used to it. The night view of the ocean is equally breath taking as the day view. Little dipper is directly in front of me. Also known as the little bear, the seven-star configuration is one of the most recognizable in the northern sky. Polaris is easily noticeable. There are people in the water right below me; I guess I am not the only ones jet lagged.

Maybe I will pick up astrology as my new hobby.

Will call the temple and see when the dharma assemble starts today. If it is in the afternoon, I will adventure to the safeway grocery store this morning.

update: 5:30 am. I think I will get use to this open air living soon. Still, the sound of the water pushing against shore could sound like taifong. There are moments I wish I can "turn off" the sound just for a while. What could a moment of quietness sound like? Then I remind myself that people would spend big bucks to come here for what I am enjoying. So count the blessing and enjoy the view, the sound, the smell, and the fresh air.

In a little bit, I will walk 2 miles (have no idea how long that is since I am so used to driving) to the closest safeway grocery store (the kind for the locals, not for tourists) and get something to eat. Some fresh fruits sounds good at this point. Most importantly, however, is that the moment I turned on my laptop, my wireless card picks up this unsecured wifi signal. :-)

update: 9:30 am. Adventure out to Safeway supermarket. It is a 2-mile walk. I could ride the bike but I would rather walk to see the route. About 15 minutes into the walking, I realized it was a hot day. Half way into the journey, I came to clear realization that this was a bad idea to walk. The first half of the route was scenic - along a huge park full of vibrant outdoor activities and people. Forty-five minutes later, I arrived at the market, tired. I spent a lot time inside the market because spent a lot of time walking back and forth reading the price tags again and again. Sticker shock was not something fun! I almost took out my camera and took some shots of the price tags but I was afraid that people would think I am crazy. I noticed right away that if you have a club card, you can get certain discounts on some items. Heck, I am going to get a club card.

Even though I was kind of prepared for the price difference, at the check out, I was still shocked when the cashier said the total is $63.38. Over $60 for as little as I got? I was mindful of the fact that I had to backpack them back to the apartment so I did not get too many things. To prove I was not kidding, here is a picture of the receipt. Let's go through it item by item.

First 2 items are pastas - I like wheat pastas and I think their prices are about one dollar more expensive. The pasta sauce is also about one dollar more expensive.

Under produce, the first item is grapes. Oh my goodness, it costs over $7 for less than 2 ponds of grapes. They are fresh and good looking. At $3.99/per pond, I don't remember ever buying any grapes that cost this much in Houston. They are only good for 3 consumptions.

The next item is kiwi. The good time of three-for-one-dollar is history.

Lettuce, in Houston probably $0.99 or even cheaper, costs $1.69 in Hawaii. It did not taste better though.

Fuji apple, my favorite apple, priced at $2.99 per pond. I bought 4 big ones and they ring up to be $6.70. On my goodness, that is more than $1.50 per apple. I thought Hawaii is closer to Japan!

Avocado is $2.oo each, a little more expensive.

The next item that reads produce. It is a kind of mushroom that I used to find in China town supermarket for maybe $1.99. It costs $4.59 for that small package of mushroom. I cannot see how Hawaii is a paradise!

Then I bought a packet of three bell peppers - yes, there are only 3 in the package even though 1 is green, 1 is yellow, and 1 is red. The price is $6.99. It might cost $3.oo in Houston.

The last item is a boxed spring mix, priced at $7.49. I know it is $5.99 in Houston since I buy it all the time.

Okay, here is the run down of my first visit to the grocery store. After backpacking it all the way back, I actually cooked. I used up all the food items. It is an extremely uncomfortable feeling to know that food costs this much more. Maybe I really should practice not eating after lunch!

Here is a picture to prove that I actually cooked. The spring mix, avocado and kiwi are for breakfast.

day 1 - aloha

What can beat an ocean-front living for 6 weeks?

Certainly, I can feel that the island is smiling at me.

Before I left, I sent everyone an email with the title "see you in Hawaii"

Just now I checked my email (via an unsecured wifi connection, thank you kind stranger!) and I received so many warm responses: (wow! I have a lot of good friends!!!!)

Best wishes to you. Keep in touch!

Have a pleasant trip and good life there. We will definitely miss you and visit you one day.

Have a great trip. We will definitely see each other in future!

Hi there, where are you on the earth? Spending your vacation, pursuing your career, or meeting with your mr.right? Let me know if you are still alive. Take care!

Good luck and hope to see you again soon!

Good luck for everything! and see you in Hawaii!!

Good luck. It is good for you to start this new life journey. We will miss you in Houston.

Of course, we will try to find opportunity to visit you. However, please stay there long enough for us to find opportunity :-).


Congratulations on your move and new job! I am very excited for you.

At least you have street names you can pronounce! I am very impressed with everything you got done so quickly to make this move. And you, we wrote a paper in the midst of it all. Wow! Hope everything goes smoothly on that end of the move too.

Wish you the best!!!! and hopefully, you will come back to live here again!!!

I guess this means you are off to Hawaii. I have known you for a long
time and it's sad to know that you won't be on this campus anymore. I
have lived for a long time and in many places and know that change is
inevitable and that it is not always bad. The many experiences that one
has and the variety of it all is what makes one's life interesting and
full. I hope that you grow to love Hawaii the way you did Houston. I
also hope that you make many new friends and it becomes a good home for
you.

Hope you'll enjoy your staying in Hawaii! We'll go visit you when you are ready.
Hope everything will go smooth there. Have fun

It was always great to have you in my workout class. You will be missed by all of us! Hope you will soon join the new place or clubs to keep up your fitness enthusiasm. Good luck and have a lots of fun there.

Thanks for sending the contact information. I have kind of feeling that it is just a temporary goodbye. We are going to meet again somewhere sometime soon.

see you later

This is not goodbye but see you later

Hawaii, here I come!

Slept about 2 hours this morning. Woke up early to take the rest of the trash to the dumpster. Sealed 2 boxes. Should I ask S to mail them for me or should I take them with me?

Why does one person need this many things?

goodbye my car

For the last time,
I backed the car off the parking lot,
stopped at the gate waiting for the gate to open,
turned right to go over the u-turn to go east,
drove down Almeda, passing the post office
followed McGregor, turned into Cullen,
pulled into the parking lot in front of Cougar Place

one less key, one less responsibility, I suppose

2 more boxes

Last night, I woke up at 2am due to anxiety. My mind was running like crazy thinking all the things I need to do. Finally I got up and started packing. I took out 2 big boxes and started cleaning up all the clothes and all the remaining stuff in the kitchen. I don't know how long it took but I went back to bed after the 2 boxes are packed.

This morning I mailed these 2 boxes (20x18x18) to Hawaii. I am a lousy packer that I might end up flying with 2 luggages, 1 carry-on, 1 backpack, and maybe 1 box. sigh....Why do one person need so many things? I had imagined that I will live with only 2 suitcases for 6 weeks. Not going to happen now.

The 2 boxes are not extremely heavy; I managed to get them down from my second floor apartment, to my car, to the post office. I do have a personal cart to help me carry them. I had them mailed via priority 1-3 days. The post office lady told me give and take a day or two.

I hope I lose some weight since I sweat like a pig all the time with moving stuff around, packing, taking stuff out as trash...

Tonight after dark, go to Target to return the air bed, then stop by this cloth donation box to drop off 2 bags of clothes. Then tonight I clean up more; take more things to the dumpster.

Clean, clean, gone!

because we all have too many

So I put all the "good" stuff in the study room, thinking *somebody* sure can use some of them.

Wrong.

I did not realize it is so hard to give away stuff for free these days. I really need a serious reality check. How come everyone else seems to have everything they need? I thought someone can use some good used items. How wrong was I.

One person told me, "because we all have too many extra stuff ourselves."

I guess everyone is living a very comfortable life that everyone has more than what they need.

Once I reached that realization, I decided to dump all the stuff at the dumpster. Boxes of stuff. Gone! I started late at night so it is not too hot. Luckily that I still have this personal cart to help me carry stuff. One trip after another, my study room now is very clean.

Gone!

will I see you again?

Tonight was Shin Tien's wedding. Many young people were at Yao's restaurant. An lively event. I got to see many friends as well. At the end, I was taking pictures with everyone and saying goodbye at the same time. Claire looked up and asked, "will I see you again?"

I don't know, Claire. Maybe, Maybe not. I felt my heart sunk and tears almost ran out. I held myself back very hard. It was a wedding after all. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. "I will see you in Hawaii," I replied.

The reality: people will not come to Hawaii just to see me. I am fortunate in such that Hawaii is a desirable destination. People might come for Hawaii, not for me. But that is okay.

I don't know if I will be able to keep my old friends. New friends I will make. But does making new friends necessitate the letting go of the old?

"You make room for your new life," someone might say.

"But I have plenty room for me friends," I think.

Will I see you again?

learning how to live without Internet

The stupidest thing I did recently was to cut off my phone line. There was this unsecured wireless connection that had been very stable for over two months. I thought, I can just cut off my phone for the last 2 weeks and use this kind stranger's connection.

Not so.

The day I cut off my phone, that connection disappeared as well.

Everyday at home, I am learning how to kill my time without the use of Internet. I cook some simple meal, I watch TV, I try to read, clean up, and, yes, maybe I should pick up my meditation practice as well.

There will be no Internet at least initially in Hawaii. Will I able to find something for myself to do?

boxes gone, attachments remain

Life has been too exciting recently and today is no exception.

Condo is closing next Tuesday. Car was sold yesterday to the first person who came to see it. We have made arrangement to turn over the car next Wednesday. I went to school this morning, thinking I finally will be able to do some work. Oh, one last small thing to do. Hawaii requires a TB test so I went to UH health center 2 days ago. It cost only $6. My doctor charges $35. So I thought I got a good deal. I went back to get the result.

The TB test came back positive. Then I have to do a chest x-ray. Now I went back to my doctor. They looked at my arm and said, they would have said it is okay. But they cannot revoke UH doctor's diagnose. So I went to take the chest X-Ray.

Since I drove all the way to China town, I went ahead to the title company and signed the closing contract. I don't need to make another trip next week. When all was done, it was pouring rain and about 2:30. I had not had lunch so I was going to find something to eat.

Then the phone rang. The moving company called and said they were coming to pick up my stuff "right now." Right now? It is raining, I was on another side of town, I was not done packing. What do you mean you are coming over right now? The person on the other end had no mercy. He said they "have to" come over now and there is no way they will come tomorrow. But I had it scheduled for tomorrow. "But I am telling you we have to come right now," the person said. I hang up and called the customer service 800 number of the relocation company. I was as mad as hell. I don't like it when things don't go as planned. I was driving in the heavy rain while making all the phone calls. So a supervisor was put on the line to deal with this angry customer. But by then, I was no longer angry. I told her, you cannot just call and come, people have plans and I need three more hours. It was 3:00pm. I said, come at 6:00pm. She said no problem.

So I went home as fast as I can. I was pretty much packed expect maybe the last 2-3 boxes. I just boxed them up, throw in some things here and there, number them, write down the content of them on my notebook, then I sat down at my only chair in the room.

Why was I so angry?

For some reason, I thought about death.

Like most people, I never really seriously thinking about death. But today's experience somehow made me think about my death. I realized that I might be one of those people who just wouldn't let go at the end.

I need more time
This is not as planned
It should be tomorrow, not today
I am not ready
It cannot just happen

But death certainly can. Now I realized I might be mad at "death" since it does not happen as planned.

The mover showed up at 4:30 and left at 6:00pm. I survived to tell the story. Looking at the empty apartment, I don't know why but I thought about death, how unexpected it could be and wonder: will I be able to let go regardless?

For the longest time, I thought I live a frugal life, not much desire of material stuff, not much attachment to any person, any thing, or any place. This move knocks me good in my face to tell me otherwise!

cragislist rocks!

so the car is sold!

yes, that is right.

The first person called within 25 minutes of my posting. She works at north side of town and cannot get to me until 7 pm.

The second person is a friend of a friend. She called after the first person. When she knew someone else is coming, she wanted to come before that person. So we made an appointment for 6:30 pm.

The right around 4:30pm, a third person called. Once they know I have 2 appointments lined up, they wanted to come over right away. So they did. Very nice people, mother, daughter and son. So they put down $500 deposit and the deal was made. They are happy; I am happy. This is the way things should be.

The car is priced to sell. I was not greedy. This is a good lesson - do not be too greedy!

frantic in selling the car

so the moving day is approaching and now I have the sense of urgency to seriously sell my car. What happens if it doesn't sell? But what happens if it does? So keep the positive energy and it will sell. I wonder who is the lucky person to own this reliable car... here is the posting to Craigslist http://houston.craigslist.org/car/766686064.html

threading the past

The sound of the threader might even be therapeutic! 1992, 1993, 1994.. all the past go through the mouth of the threader and come out recycled. Hmm. I wonder if we can ever "recycle" our past, making the past usable again and again. We burden ourselves to keep the past in neat, organized folders. Then one day, we decided to thread them all.

Recycle, good for the earth.

But why am I acking inside?

Oh, I know. There is no other reason other than attachment and self ego.

But in this case, knowing it doesn't make the pain go away.

Even the threader seems to agree with me - it quit working due to overheat. I guess the past is just so heavy that even the threader cannot take it all in at one time!

no eating after noon

Since I don't like cooking and since everything in Hawaii is so expensive, this morning at the temple, somebody suggested that maybe I should take this opportunity and start practicing no eating after noon.

A good suggestion, a good practice for the wrong reason though.

sealing the boxes

I have been hesitate to seal any boxes. Not sure why. Maybe deep down, I feel once the boxes are sealed, I will have no other way but to say goodbye to Houston.

But tonight, I started to tape up all the boxes. Box #1 has the majority of my Buddhism-related books. Box #2 and #3 are my other books. Then the list goes on.

I know I am still struggling.

When I seal the boxes, does it mean I am ready to seal my Houston life?

attitude

So I went to the center to say goodbye. Master said, to apply Buddhism into life is to have a different attitude. We do the same work, perform the same task, just like everyone else. The difference is how we face the world, with our Buddhism attitude in practice. I really like that idea. Yes, I will be a professor at a university, just like many other professors at a university. How will I be different from the mass? I think I know how to take each opportunity to create good karma with my students, my colleagues, and all the people that come across my life.

Attitude is the manifestation of Buddhism in practice!

I must be nobody

Saw this little poem while searching for some Buddhism concepts online

Always remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If nobody is perfect, I must be nobody.

I must be nobody!

which side?

Ran into this little poem today, pretty funny at first, also profound if think deeper

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, "Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, "My son, you are on the other side".

Sometimes we don't know where we are, sometimes we envy each other, more times, we only see ourselves. where are we and where are we going?

money is your statement of priority

Heard this today at OneStar's non-profit capacity building workshop.

True.

Take a look at your monthly bill. Where do you spend your money? Food? Entertainment? Book? Who spends your money? You? Your children? Your parents?

What are my priorities in life? Do they reflect on how I spend my money?

If how I spend money is my statement of priority, then charitable contribution definitely falls out of any priority list.

What does that have to say about me?

It was probably the summer of 1998 or 1999. It was an important summer in my life. My father had just passed away that year and I started volunteering with Tzu-Chi at their Houston chapter. It was the big flood of the Yellow River that summer I think. I was asked to join their fund raising activity in China town area. Dynasty Mall was my assignment. I watched how others did it then I approached my first "customer" To my surprise, people gave money! That was such an enlightening moment for me. After that, donating money to charity became something I do. Prior to that, I was always suspicious about people's motive. When I saw how complete strangers would give money to me (not to "me" per se but still) I was moved by their generosity. Looking back,it is hard to imaginethat such a small event could have such a big impact on me.

If how I spend money is my statement about my life's priority, I think I need to seriously re-think about what are important in life.

What is your priority?

my "Ajahn mosquitoes"

A while back I once heard Ajahn Brahm (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) talking about his early years as a forest monk in Thailand. They had to sit under the trees and meditate. As a young monk, he was bothered by the tropical jungle mosquitoes and cannot concentrate. He complained to his teacher, Ajahn Cha. But his famous teacher told him that those mosquitoes are his teacher, teaching him how to ignore all the surrounding and to learn to concencerate even in seemingly impossible situation. Therefore the notion of "Ajahn mosquitoes" - learning from the mosquitoes.

I have always liked this story especially today - I finally met my "Ajahn mosquitoes" - Mrs. Tan.

Mrs. Tan is such a unique person that I have never met anyone like her my entire life until now. Not only does she attend to all possible details, ask all questions humainly imaginable, she simply cannot make up her mind! She has this mentality that she can always find something better and cheaper. She bothers my friend June so much that even June got pissed off this morning when Mrs. Tan called and asked June to "hold" the contract. June called me. I called Mrs. Tan. The entire morning was gone. I discussed with June and we decided to email her a copy of the contract termination paper.

Mrs. Tan is the kind of person who will not only suffer from her own indecision but will make everyone around her suffer. I got really angry and vented my emotion with Donna, Youmei and Georgette. Just five munites before I went into tonight's Buddhism class, the husband called to apologize. He said he had no idea all the things the wife said and did. He is very angry at her and apologize for what she did. Interestingly, he had no idea that the wife called me and asked me to "hold" the car deal after he said he wanted to buy. He said he still wants my car. Evidently they don't talk to each other. :-)

At first I was very angry at her. But after I let go of my own desire to sell, and emailed her the termination contract, I felt very liberated! Once I can let go of my own attachment (wanting to sell), I opened up more space for myself. As the day went on, I became to feel sorry for Mrs. Tan. She is not an evil person but her self ego is too strong. She cannot see the suffering she is creating for her and everyone around her. I don't think she is a happy person. I wish she has the wisdom to let go of this contract. Unfortunately she cannot let go when she should and she cannot take on responsibilities when she should. Of course she cannot let go of the contract and to lose $1,000 earnest money.

I learned not to be angry at her. She showed me how suffering it is to have a strong ego and how ignorance creates suffering not only for self but for others.

Arising and falling away as all phonomona are. This, will be part of a faded memory in my life soon.

What are we willing to give up to keep what we have

Saw this question today and a sense of profoundness overcame me.

There are days I question what is it about Hawaii that I am perusing?

And there are days I wonder what is it about Houston that I am letting go?

What am I giving up and what am I getting? Do we always have to sacrifice one thing for another? I remember learning about the concept of "trade off" in college. Why do we always have to comprise, to trade off, to take less than what is possible? When we "trade" something "off" with another, is it that we take "less" for what we deserve or is it that we act according to reality?

Why do I feel "reality" sometimes is like a box that seems to confine me more than liberate me?
When we act "according to" reality, do we give up what we are suppose to go after?

What is it about what we have that we so desperately trying to hang on to?

Can anyone answer my questions?

condo sold - attachment gone

Within 24 hours of posting it to MLS, through network, the condo is sold today. I am thankful to many friends who made this possible. The Tan family is very interesting. After spending the afternoon with them, I can tell the mom is a character. She might have a lot of thinking to do tonight. The father is straightforward. I like Amy, who I think is a very lucky girl to be able to go to UH, live in my condo (or should I say ex-condo), and drive my very reliable car. I am counting my blessing today for sure.

This is my first property in the states. Being a property owner did not really give me too much "pleasure" as most people probably think. It was a smart move money wide, I think. At the end, I don't think I necessary "make" any money. However, with the housing being so affordable in Houston, I strongly encourage anyone who plans to stay in Houston for a while to consider owning one.

One less Houston attachment gone!

it is HGTV like!

pictures don't lie http://picasaweb.google.com/grace.mf.lin/CondoForSale2008

I am so lucky to have a good friend. We used to be roommates about 10 years ago. We got along just fine for the next 2.5 years until her brother came. She is talented, artistic, and motivated. At this young age, she owns a music studio and is a special education teacher at an elementary school. Now everyone knows she did a wonderful job for me, maybe she will be very busy helping many other people during her 2-month summer break!

last class

It went okay, in my opinion. Generally speaking, I don't like movie events since I feel it is dark, passive, and kind of waste of time. Just like last time, there were some technical issues. This is very unlike JD Master, who seems to always strive for excellence. Both times the technical parts were VERY sloppy and wasted some time at the beginning. He also picked a film that is R-rated or at least PG13 rated. There were many young children in the audience. He did not seem to realize so until the movie had started. Again, lack of planning and attention to details. In my opinion, a no-no. The movie itself is okay, not my type, a little too scary at parts and I am sure there are some better movies that can illustrate karmas.

There was no discussion at the end. He talked for like 1 minute about the movie then we were off for the party.

The "party" was multi purpose: graduation for the classes, farewell for another person and myself, and birthday party for June birthday. I did not mind combining things. After all, people are busy. And I know it is the "self ego" of me talking - but it appeared insincere from my view. I did not know it was also a farewell party for me. I would have dressed up or at least comb my hair. :-)

And again, I know it is the "think inside the box" me talking - but I disagree with the way the "birthday party" part went as well. So there were 3 June birthday people, 2 kids (6 and 9) and 1 older people (60). So Ven Hung I and JD Master each grabbed one kid in their arms while we sang birthday song. The older 60-year old was standing almost on the sideline. Then it was time to cut the cake. It was the 9-year old who rushed to be on the spotlight. I am old school but I think we should honor the 60-year old. But I know American is heaven for children! I did not like what I saw but that is just my opinion.

Ven Hung I said twice to me today that he wished I would come back soon. You know people say 好馬不吃回頭草. I used to think it means that if you are good enough, you don't need to craw back to your old job when the new one doesn't work out. Now I have had so many jobs, I understand that sentence differently. Now I think that if you are smart enough, you should not return to your old job (or old place, etc) because people have false expectation and frozen memories about you after you have left. That is a very interesting understanding. When I am at a job, like everyone else, I make mistakes, etc. But when I left, people remember ONLY the good parts about me and forget the other parts. Then they create this false expectation that if you return, you will fix their problems, put things back to how they were, etc. It is mission impossible! Things will never be the the way they were and such an unrealistic expectation cannot be fulfilled.

Okay, this writing is getting long. The whole moving thing is stressing me to the extreme! It is as hard as I have imagined. Attachment is like the shadow that you cannot get rid of!

Never had the chance to formally say Goodbye to JD Master today - last class and last time to see him until... maybe never.

"I do"

Today, I finally did the "I do" - I booked my one-way flight to Hawaii, - the date is August 1, 2008. Lynn, Tom and Mac the dog were my witness. After I hit the confirm button, Tom sang the famous Hawaiian song, they cheered, and Lynn took me to moveable feast for dinner.


I was IMing with Lynn 2 days ago. She asked this million-dollar question everyone else asked: when are you leaving. "End of July, early August," I replied as I did many times before.

"got ticket?" Lynn typed.

"not yet but maybe I should" I replied.

"definitely," affirmative from Lynn.

"but it seems to be such a big deal for some reason i kept postponing it

of course, leaving 15 years of life behind. it's like getting married.

keep checking to see if seats avail but just cannot hit that button that says "confirm"

as much as you love the man, in the last moment, you will miss your single life

i guess

hahaha, trust me. same feeling.

i guess it is like say "I do" I just have to hit that button "I confirm"

hahahahahahahahaha maybe you ought to have all your friends together to witness and a monk to bless.

hahahahahahhahahhh that is a brilliant idea!!!!

like webcast it. toss flower. wear a gown when you hit confirm. and go for a reception meal afterward

hahaha whoever gets the flower gets the priority to stay at my place

hahahahahahahahaha

that'll be fun.

we'll blow bubbles when you hit the button.

The next day, Lynn followed up with me over IM.

did you do the "i do"?

haha, don't have the courage

hahaha

maybe you could be my witness this weekend

i told tom we need to gather and witness
yes, yes, yes. and go out for dinner afterwards

hahahahahhhhhhhhhhh

you wanna do that?

so funny saturday might work

i didn't realize that it's just as stressful and scary to pick up and move your whole life.

i guess it is

but you dno't have the emotional support that society gives to a bride. it's the same thing. you change the whole existence
but being a bride, you have 50 guests to cheer you on. moving, nobody.
anyway, we can do that saturday.

okay, i will come over i log on, book the flight, you 2 cheer, then we eat

you are such a nice friend!

thanks.

it's not like i have to put up with you that much longer, hahahahahaha

not like you have anyway.

hahahahahaha i guess nobody really recognize what you're going through emotionally.

and remember, I did not ask you to pick up my "wedding cake" for me

even i didn't realize that until last night.

hahahahahahahahaha, you did a good job, too

i guess even i did not realize but i just knew i cannot hit that confirm button you have no idea how many times I went to continental.com but just cannot do it very scary, I guess

i understand now. i guess you din't quite understand why either.

i guess so

so, together we were able to come up with the explanation.

Digitized your memory

Check out this cool online service ScanMyPhotos.com. You send in your pictures and they scan it and save on a DVD for you. A very simple process! The service is really as described on the website. It is easy, straightforward, and most importantly, very fast. Within a week, I receive my box of pictures back with a DVD. However, expect quality of a scanned image, that is if you have ever scanned a picture yourself. You know the quality is NOT the same as a digital-camera picture.

I have been wanted to do this for many years. The need to "scale down" my belongings while packing for the move to Hawaii really pushed me to do this. The deal gets better. If you have a facebook, a blog, flickr or myspace account, you can write about the service (as I am doing now) at those places and receive this special offer of scanning up too 1,000 4x6 pictures for the price of $19.99. That is a great deal. That is what I did. However, I paid extra $19.99 to have my pictures scanned in certain order. Those who know me know that I have all my pictures organized chronically since 1992, the year I first arrived in Houston. I want my digitized pictures in chronological order as well. In addition, ScanMyPhotos will send back your pictures and the DVD via UPSP priority mail but you do need to send in the pictures yourself. I spent about $19.00 for a box of 1,000 4x6 pictures. The total at the end addes up to about $60.00. I think that is the money worth spending!

I am very happy with this service and would highly recommend this to you. Of course if you are younger than me, all you know about pictures are all digital. So you don't need this service. This service is for people who still keep old-fashioned photos.

(pictures shared are my first and only road trip to Yellow Stone & Grand Canyon in summer 1993)

Renovation has started

What a week!

Friday morning, we went to IKEA to pick up my countertops. Good thing I have a Honda CRV that can haul long items. Those countertops are heavy to carry from my car to my apartment.

Then I went to school to meet someone who is interested in my car. We test drove around campus. I cannot tell if she is really interested. If so, she is probably not.

Then at 1:00pm, a conference call with Curt, YaTing and Georgette about our Youtube research. The meeting was productive and we pretty much divided the work and set some milestones.

Then I took 14 unfolded Dell boxes to my car then back to my apartment. They all come in identical sizes so it is easier to stack them up and transport.

After the boxes are in my apartment, I drove to June's house to babysit Claire and Ben. Ben almost ate nothing for dinner. Claire is really a big girl now. I remember when I was her age, I knew a lot of stuff. It is just that we see children growing up but often forget that they have grown. They are no longer baby.

After dinner, I took them to the temple where we have our Friday night chanting. I am really impressed with Clarie. She tried to follow the Chinese and could stay focused most of the time.

I was exhausted when I turned home.

Saturday morning, I was trying to finish a paper review for the journal. My cell rang.. Mr. Huang is coming over to start the work today. Today? Okay.

At the end of Saturday, I have a new tiled bathroom and a brand new toilet. The kitchen floor is almost ready. They will continue Monday.

Sunday morning, I went to Conn's first. I have all the addressed written down for Home Depot and Sears as well. I visited Lowes the night before. The cheapest range will be over $400 after adding up delivery, installation & haul away. But the earliest they can come is end of June. Wow, I don't want to wait for that long. When I walked into Conn's, I immediately saw this floor model on sale - manager's special, sold as is, a flat top range, black, original price in upper $500, now for $310. Wow, I took it. Mr. Huang will take it to my place Monday.

I bought 7 door knobs, 4 door stoppers and 2 smoke detectors. My place will look rather attractive after the renovation, I think.

What a week!

$5 worth of knowledge

I took several boxes of "stuff" to donate this morning, Good Well, Half Price Bookstore, Dress for Success. I received two donation receipts at the end. What a relief to be able to hopefully put some of my old clothes for good cause. There were four brand new (two of them still had the price tags on it) suits and some pretty good clothes that I took to Dress for Success. Good Well received 2 boxes of my winter clothes, one comforter and one feather sleeping bag.

I also took two boxes of books, mostly textbooks to Half Price Bookstore. In five minutes, the guy at the other end of the counter told me he will take all of them for $5.

$5 worth of knowledge! All of the books, many of which were in hardcover, were older version. Imagine how much time those authors spent in writing those books, how many hours editors spent proofreading it, and finally went to print. Many trees later, the books are in our bookshelf only to worth nothing when it is out of date. "Can I just leave them here and you recycle them for me?" I asked the guy on the other side of the counter. "Sure," in his motionless voice.

So that goes the $5 worth of "knowledge"! Seriously, nobody should write and print books anymore. Put everything on the web so it can be updated all the time. You print only when you need to.

one-way ticket

My good friend Georgette told me that she was thinking about me last night. The thought that I will buy a one-way ticket to Hawaii and never come back freaks her out.

Why? I asked

Because we don't usually buy a one-way ticket, Georgette replied

That is true.

I have done it four times this life

Firs time, August 1992 when I purchased a one-way ticket from Taiwan to Houston. I came to study masters degree.

Second time, June 2004 when I forgot my visa in Japan and purchased a one-way ticket from Japan back to Taiwan. I found my dissertation topic from this unexpected detour.

Third time, July 2004 when I purchased a one-way ticket from Taiwan back to Houston to continue my pursuit of my doctorate degree.

Four time, August 2008. I will buy a one-way ticket to Hawaii where I will pursuit my tenure-track Assistant professor career. At least give it a try.

The truth is, we can always "go back" even when we purchase a one-way ticket.

The real one-way ticket is our life, I told Georgette. We can never "go back."

How ready are we going along our one-way journey in this life?

I officially resigned today

So I turned in this letter to Vera, the department chair today. It is as official as it can be. This is the point of no return! Goodbye Houston. Hawaii, here I come!

June 17, 2008

Dr. Vera Hutchison officially
Chair
Department of Curriculum and Instruction
University of Houston

Dear Dr. Hutchison:

The purpose of this letter is to inform you of my resignation from the Department of Curriculum & Instruction, effective at the end of my summer employment.

This was not an easy decision to make. The past six years have been very rewarding. I've enjoyed studying here, teaching and working for you. It was such a blessing to be able to teach classes. Those experiences have helped me grow to be a better educator.

I have accepted a tenure-track position as an Assistant Professor in University of Hawaii. This opportunity will further my growth professionally and I will be closer to my families in Taiwan.

I wish you and the department all the best

Sincerely,

Meng-Fen Grace Lin

good days and bad days

Good days are days when I am eager about a new life in Hawaii

Bad days are days when I question why in the world I would make such a foolish decision.

Today is one of those bad days.

I went to a grant writing workshop this morning. While listening to mostly informational talks, I kept thinking to myself, "isn't this much more fun than being a professor at a university?"

Okay, I know many people would switch place with me in a heart beat. But, today, I don't know why I decided to move away from everything I know, everything I have built, everything I work hard for.

Today is one of those bad days.

what is left?

Yesterday Mr. Hao came over and gave the estimate. It will be about $3,500 to renovate the entire place. My ex-roommate also came over and gave her estimate. It is much cheaper if she did it. Then today, Merry and Jerry came over and maybe they will buy my condo.

The idea of selling my condo is fairly new. For the longest time, I never thought about selling it. This property is never intended for investment purpose but more for a place for myself. This is my place.

The good news is that selling it will mean one less thing to worry about.

But, what is left for me?

I am not sure if I am scared or just simply too attached to the condo. If I don't owe it anymore, what is left for me? Five years from now, what will I "have"? What is it about "having something" so important? I never felt I needed another person (husband, boyfriend, partner) to complete my life. I am perfectly fine being single. However, why am I feeling uneasy about losing my condo? What does owing this condo mean to me?

Maybe we are naturally seeking permanence in life. We want something stable, always there, forever. In theory, we know nothing is permanent and nothing is forever. However, we need the idea of it to feel secure and stable. This is where the gap between theory and practice lies. I understand it but I cannot practice it.

This is too hard.

PAWS

Today I met Sabas, a very nice sales rep at CarMax. While waiting for my car to be appraised, we started talking. I shared with him that I am moving to Hawaii but then I complained about how expensive it is to ship my car. He immediately pulled out a piece of paper and wrote - P. A. W. S.

"Paws?" I questioned.
"This is what I told my children," Sabas looked straight into my eyes and with 100% sincerity, he continued, "it stands for Positive Attitude Will Succeed."

"If you keep reminding yourself this acronym when you feel down, you will always find something positive in any situation."

I am inspired by Sabas, a very gentle, sincere middle class, average America. When I told him I will be teaching at the University, with a little envy in his eyes, "you mean you are a professor?" With my confirmation, he complimented me, "you must have a lot of education. For me, I don't have very high education."

No matter how high a person receives his or her formal education, there is no substitute for life experience - PAWS. You don't learn PAWS in textbooks. You do by meeting people like Sabas.

Meeting Sabas was the best thing for my visit to CarMax. The appraised value is only $5,500. There is no way I would sale my car for that little. Even the appraisal engineer agreed that my car will be sold in no time because it is in great condition and very low millage. I know. So I am not selling it to CarMax. Sorry. :-)

proof of existence

How do you know if you exist?

I am throwing away all documents before 2005 - all kinds of statements, bank, credit card, phone bills, electric bills, financial statements, returned checks. Most of them are well filled chronologically. They were so carefully reserved for what? When I decided to trash them all, one question arises in my mind. What if someone asked me to show proof that I have indeed lived in this country since 1992. What can I show to that person my existence? Are these papers the proof? What are their function anyway?

When I throw them away, what is it that I am actually getting rid of? Is it my past? But past has already gone anyway. Is it my existence? But I am still here today. Is it history? What is the role of a personal history preserved in documents such as phone bills and credit card statements? Do I want my existence defined by these documents? Without these documents, do I lose the proof of my existence?

Why do I need to prove my existence in the first place?

all my attachments

So what do you get rid of?
How do you make the decision?

I was going through all my clothes. Many of them I no longer wear. Some of them still have the original tags on it. Rest of them I rarely wear. Most of them are not top of the line and are not worth too much.

Do I bring all of them to Hawaii? If not, how do I pick and choose? None of them are ware and tear, all of them are in good condition.

I take out one, thinking I have not put it on for several year
So I put it in the give-to-good-will pile
Then I hang it back to the closet, thinking this might be the one I will need

If I make the cut based on how often I actually wear them, then most of them will go to the pile
If I make the cut based on the possibility I will want to wear them, then most of them will stay

Souvenirs and gifts are a little different, especially gifts

do I get rid of this glass grapes? mom gave it to me
do I get rid of this UHCL sailboat? a friend gave it to me
do I get rid of this picture? it is a friend's family picture
do I get rid of this certificate? it shows my progress in learning Buddhism

How about my 11 picture albums? What am I going to do with them? Am I going to haul all of those pictures all the way to Hawaii?

The easiest things to give up are the big furnitures for practical reason: it is simply too expensive to move them across the ocean. The hardest things to let go are these personal items.

Attachments. I have more then I realized!

Laundry without detergent

So I was doing the second load of laundry then I realized that I forgot to put in the detergent for the first load! This tells you how absent minded I am. This morning the dryer repairman came. $65 later, I learned I need an electrician to fix the wall unit and the burned cable. My mind was just too preoccupied with the details of finding an electrician, scheduling the time, getting the dryer repairman back, and in between, trying to find a cheap ranger to replace the broken on in the kitchen. I figure I can still do laundry since the washer is still working. So I was doing laundry while trying the new Laolima (Hawaii Sakai) for the first time.

Too many things are hanging over in my mind... hard to concentrate

so you come back later

"I hope you settle down quickly. Keep in touch with TBA and I hope you come back soon"

Abbot called. It is heartfelt that he is sincere about helping me settling down in Hawaii. He called someone who then called her cushion -- Yuhui. Yuhui lived in Hawaii for many years but has just moved to Japan 2 months ago. Yuhui called me from Japan after talking to abbot I. We exchanged email address and skype account then talked on skype for a while. Even though she is in Japan now, she still visits Hawaii and knows a lot of people. She introduced me to Julia (Chu Hui) who is a real state agent and an active member at Fo Guan Shan. Yuhui was very happy to have spoken with me and she said, "now I can call the abbot back and report to him that my job is successful."

Sure enough, the abbot called me after they two have talked. The conversation with him was brief. Even though I was quite touched that he would go through the trouble to introduce me to these people, I was a little taken back when he said he wanted me to "come back soon."

Isn't this a little too late?

Of course he also indicated that we all of us in Hawaii, maybe he can come and visit us some time.

Hmm...

constant changing mind

I am amazed at myself these days of how fast I change my mind.

One day I think I will ship my car, the next day I think I will sale it and just take the bus in Hawaii. I kind of want to change to a hybrid car anyway and maybe this is the time to do it.

All these times I never thought about selling my condo. Today, this idea came to my mind. Maybe I should just sell it for good. Once I don't have any attachments in Houston, this might help me move on with my life in Hawaii.

So if I get rid of my car, my condo, most of my belongings, what will be left with me? My value is not defined by how many things I owe. Then how is my value defined?

More Buddhist mp3 availables

I tried this new service from SeeqPod. Quite neat and easy to use. Tried some keywords such as "Buddhism" and came up with many things. Interesting.

SeeqPod - Playable Search

potential is a terrible thing to waste

Our new president knows to say the right thing. When she visited our college, I was really impressed with her charisma. As the Dean said, she really has created a buzz upon arrival. Personally I like her idea of the "first 100 days campaign" - the way to create buzz and create energy. Maybe when I move to Hawaii, I need to have my first-100-day diary as well. I particuarlly like what she said in this email, sent today - "potential is a terrible thing to waste"

That is so true. Life is too short to not know where we are going

Here is the email from the president received today.

As you may know, I recently completed my first 100 days at the University of Houston and am currently sorting through over 11,000 suggestions received from the 100 Days Web site. I wish to thank you for your support and would also like to share with you my early impressions about the city of Houston and this great university.

Before arriving at UH, I was well aware of Houston’s ranking as America’s fourth largest city, as well as its acclaim as the energy capital of the world and home to the world’s largest medical center. After several months here, I’ve discovered that Houston is also a fabulous destination for discriminating gastronomists and offers a full array of arts and cultural experiences.

Many who claim to know all about Houston initially warned me of the heat and humidity, traffic and road repairs, and the Galleria crowds and parking issues. But what I’ve come to realize for myself are the various green spaces, ethnic shops and places of real urban life experiences that this unique city offers. The thousands of people who continue to welcome me to Houston and share their stories are living proof that Houston is about diversity—the diversity of people, opportunities and successes. I’ve personally found Houstonians to be very warm, welcoming and unpretentious— a rare trait in today’s world!

My impressions of the University of Houston are the exact same. Certainly, I knew of the many facets that make UH a great university— including our 35,000 students, $88 million research, famous National Academy faculty, many nationally ranked programs and 220,000 successful graduates. However, in only a few months, I’ve learned so much more. Did you know that our annual economic impact of $3.2 billion is the same as hosting the Olympic Games right here in Houston? Are you aware that UH students contribute over a million hours in community service each year, or that the university has hundreds of educational and research partnerships all over the region? Our university is also a true global destination for many—housing students from 133 countries. Proud Cougars are everywhere and most choose to stay in the region and fuel the local economy.

Hundreds of graduates have also told me that if it were not for the University of Houston, they would not have been able to go to college—which helped me realize that, in many instances, UH is about firsts—first generations, first opportunities and first chances at success! The campus community here is second to none— our faculty members are world class, our staff members are dedicated and our students have fire in their bellies. All of these signs point to a university on the move!

People often ask me what keeps me awake at night. I think it is the anxiety that comes from knowing that you are in the right place at the right time with the right opportunity. As I take pride in the University of Houston’s past achievements, I also know that our best days are yet to come because potential is a terrible thing to waste.

So what’s next for us?

Eleven thousand suggestions from the community, both internal and external, contain many “big rock” ideas. While we continue to study these ideas as we chart the course to our next destination, I would like to point out several messages that you have sent. Many of you want to see:

* A nationally competitive university that offers cutting-edge creativity and innovation to fuel the regional economy.
* A university that defines its success by the success of its students.
* A university that partners with its community and builds on its strengths.
* And, a university that enriches the arts and athletic environment of our region.

We will be setting the university’s destination based on your input. I believe that it takes an entire community to build a great university— faculty, students, regents, staff, alumni, philanthropists, civic leaders, policy makers, businesses, industry and the community itself. We have already begun our strategic planning discussions, and are working to chart our course for the future.

You are part of the community that will transform this great university into a greater one. Every success is a journey, and ours begins today with you.

With warm regards,

Renu

agitated mind

My mind is scattered and agitated...by all the details I have to attend to in the coming weeks. I realized that I cannot even listen to my favorite Buddhism podcast while driving. That was a surprising realization. I did not know I am so agitated. I did not know listening to something I consider casual requires a calm mind as well. I suppose I am good at making a list and checking items off as I go. Maybe I should really practice stay at the moment and focus on one thing at a time. What a time to truly test my Buddhism practice - most of the things that need to happen are out of my control. Sometimes I feel I am a control freak who likes to be always 200% prepared and 200% ready. Not this time for sure.

Abbot's permission

I ran into the abbot today at the temple. He said he heard the news. "Have you decided?" he asked. After knowing I have already made up my mind, in a split second, he seemed disappointed. Maybe I was just faltering myself. Maybe not. Jokingly, he said, "you did not ask for my permission, did you?"

Sometimes I do wonder what moving to Hawaii means in terms of my Buddhism practice.

It was summer of 2006. I just graduated with a doctorate degree but without a tenure-track position. Working as a post-doc was no where near my career goal. Honesty, that was one of the darkest moments in my life. Out of nowhere, the Abbot had a private conversation with me about the possibility of working for Texas Buddhist Association. The conversation happened at the lowest point of my life and it helped me to regain confidence. After all, I do think I can be a productive and contributing member of the society. Someone sees that in me!

We talked two more times after that but no decision or action was made. However, it was the first conversation that really encouraged me to think deeply about what I can do to help spread Buddhism. Many things happen after that but today, I still attribute that first conversation with the Abbot a monumental one. I went through a long period of contemplating my goal of life and finally made peace with the realization that I have more passion about Buddhism than about making a career in academia.

Even though I am quite committed in my mind, the "conditions" are not there to make this happen. One thing after another, now I am moving to Hawaii, in peruse of my academic career.

After all, it was the Abbot who awakened me to the idea of working for Buddhism. Maybe he has the right to be a little disappointed to see me leave. The truth is, if the conditions are in place, I am more than willing to stay.

At the present moment, I simply can only do what is presented in front of me. Moving to Hawaii opens a new chapter in my life. I question if and for how long I will be able to maintain this willingness to be a dedicated dharma worker. I am afraid to know the answer.

Mommy said yes

When I called today, uncle was also in Taipei. That was a good thing. I was worried how mom would react to the news that I am moving to Hawaii. She was not very happy when I talked to her last time. She thought I am doing well in Houston. Why move? Of course Uncle was very excited. Like most people, he likes the idea that he can come visit me. With Uncle's enthusiasm, mom seemed pretty receptive to the idea now. She even asked if there will be a place for her and aunt to stay if they visit me. I told her Honolulu has a very good bus system. She can come and stay with me for a longer period and take the bus to China town every day. She seemed to like this idea. It was a relief to get her okay on this. She was also very pleased that I found Fo Guan Mountain and have made some initial connections. This is something good about being a Buddhist - when we move to another city, we just find a Buddhist community and we are good. Mom was happy for me.

Bliss coming to an end?

So I talked to more people today about my new offer. I have to admit that I am in a state of happiness. Why not? After all, I did receive a job offer. However, I am close to not wanting to talk about it anymore. Everyone wants to know about every details. After repeating myself so many times, I think I am pretty much done with bragging (a little).

In the midst of happiness, I am fully aware that the reality will sink in pretty soon - all the details about remodeling the apartment, going through all the belongings, garage sale, packing, renting the apartment, shipping the car, more packing, then more packing. Most difficult of all will be to leave all the people I know.

I am patiently waiting for my happiness to end and the scary realty to kick in..... It is coming and I know it.