Abbot's permission

I ran into the abbot today at the temple. He said he heard the news. "Have you decided?" he asked. After knowing I have already made up my mind, in a split second, he seemed disappointed. Maybe I was just faltering myself. Maybe not. Jokingly, he said, "you did not ask for my permission, did you?"

Sometimes I do wonder what moving to Hawaii means in terms of my Buddhism practice.

It was summer of 2006. I just graduated with a doctorate degree but without a tenure-track position. Working as a post-doc was no where near my career goal. Honesty, that was one of the darkest moments in my life. Out of nowhere, the Abbot had a private conversation with me about the possibility of working for Texas Buddhist Association. The conversation happened at the lowest point of my life and it helped me to regain confidence. After all, I do think I can be a productive and contributing member of the society. Someone sees that in me!

We talked two more times after that but no decision or action was made. However, it was the first conversation that really encouraged me to think deeply about what I can do to help spread Buddhism. Many things happen after that but today, I still attribute that first conversation with the Abbot a monumental one. I went through a long period of contemplating my goal of life and finally made peace with the realization that I have more passion about Buddhism than about making a career in academia.

Even though I am quite committed in my mind, the "conditions" are not there to make this happen. One thing after another, now I am moving to Hawaii, in peruse of my academic career.

After all, it was the Abbot who awakened me to the idea of working for Buddhism. Maybe he has the right to be a little disappointed to see me leave. The truth is, if the conditions are in place, I am more than willing to stay.

At the present moment, I simply can only do what is presented in front of me. Moving to Hawaii opens a new chapter in my life. I question if and for how long I will be able to maintain this willingness to be a dedicated dharma worker. I am afraid to know the answer.