last class

It went okay, in my opinion. Generally speaking, I don't like movie events since I feel it is dark, passive, and kind of waste of time. Just like last time, there were some technical issues. This is very unlike JD Master, who seems to always strive for excellence. Both times the technical parts were VERY sloppy and wasted some time at the beginning. He also picked a film that is R-rated or at least PG13 rated. There were many young children in the audience. He did not seem to realize so until the movie had started. Again, lack of planning and attention to details. In my opinion, a no-no. The movie itself is okay, not my type, a little too scary at parts and I am sure there are some better movies that can illustrate karmas.

There was no discussion at the end. He talked for like 1 minute about the movie then we were off for the party.

The "party" was multi purpose: graduation for the classes, farewell for another person and myself, and birthday party for June birthday. I did not mind combining things. After all, people are busy. And I know it is the "self ego" of me talking - but it appeared insincere from my view. I did not know it was also a farewell party for me. I would have dressed up or at least comb my hair. :-)

And again, I know it is the "think inside the box" me talking - but I disagree with the way the "birthday party" part went as well. So there were 3 June birthday people, 2 kids (6 and 9) and 1 older people (60). So Ven Hung I and JD Master each grabbed one kid in their arms while we sang birthday song. The older 60-year old was standing almost on the sideline. Then it was time to cut the cake. It was the 9-year old who rushed to be on the spotlight. I am old school but I think we should honor the 60-year old. But I know American is heaven for children! I did not like what I saw but that is just my opinion.

Ven Hung I said twice to me today that he wished I would come back soon. You know people say 好馬不吃回頭草. I used to think it means that if you are good enough, you don't need to craw back to your old job when the new one doesn't work out. Now I have had so many jobs, I understand that sentence differently. Now I think that if you are smart enough, you should not return to your old job (or old place, etc) because people have false expectation and frozen memories about you after you have left. That is a very interesting understanding. When I am at a job, like everyone else, I make mistakes, etc. But when I left, people remember ONLY the good parts about me and forget the other parts. Then they create this false expectation that if you return, you will fix their problems, put things back to how they were, etc. It is mission impossible! Things will never be the the way they were and such an unrealistic expectation cannot be fulfilled.

Okay, this writing is getting long. The whole moving thing is stressing me to the extreme! It is as hard as I have imagined. Attachment is like the shadow that you cannot get rid of!

Never had the chance to formally say Goodbye to JD Master today - last class and last time to see him until... maybe never.

"I do"

Today, I finally did the "I do" - I booked my one-way flight to Hawaii, - the date is August 1, 2008. Lynn, Tom and Mac the dog were my witness. After I hit the confirm button, Tom sang the famous Hawaiian song, they cheered, and Lynn took me to moveable feast for dinner.


I was IMing with Lynn 2 days ago. She asked this million-dollar question everyone else asked: when are you leaving. "End of July, early August," I replied as I did many times before.

"got ticket?" Lynn typed.

"not yet but maybe I should" I replied.

"definitely," affirmative from Lynn.

"but it seems to be such a big deal for some reason i kept postponing it

of course, leaving 15 years of life behind. it's like getting married.

keep checking to see if seats avail but just cannot hit that button that says "confirm"

as much as you love the man, in the last moment, you will miss your single life

i guess

hahaha, trust me. same feeling.

i guess it is like say "I do" I just have to hit that button "I confirm"

hahahahahahahahaha maybe you ought to have all your friends together to witness and a monk to bless.

hahahahahahhahahhh that is a brilliant idea!!!!

like webcast it. toss flower. wear a gown when you hit confirm. and go for a reception meal afterward

hahaha whoever gets the flower gets the priority to stay at my place

hahahahahahahahaha

that'll be fun.

we'll blow bubbles when you hit the button.

The next day, Lynn followed up with me over IM.

did you do the "i do"?

haha, don't have the courage

hahaha

maybe you could be my witness this weekend

i told tom we need to gather and witness
yes, yes, yes. and go out for dinner afterwards

hahahahahhhhhhhhhhh

you wanna do that?

so funny saturday might work

i didn't realize that it's just as stressful and scary to pick up and move your whole life.

i guess it is

but you dno't have the emotional support that society gives to a bride. it's the same thing. you change the whole existence
but being a bride, you have 50 guests to cheer you on. moving, nobody.
anyway, we can do that saturday.

okay, i will come over i log on, book the flight, you 2 cheer, then we eat

you are such a nice friend!

thanks.

it's not like i have to put up with you that much longer, hahahahahaha

not like you have anyway.

hahahahahaha i guess nobody really recognize what you're going through emotionally.

and remember, I did not ask you to pick up my "wedding cake" for me

even i didn't realize that until last night.

hahahahahahahahaha, you did a good job, too

i guess even i did not realize but i just knew i cannot hit that confirm button you have no idea how many times I went to continental.com but just cannot do it very scary, I guess

i understand now. i guess you din't quite understand why either.

i guess so

so, together we were able to come up with the explanation.

Digitized your memory

Check out this cool online service ScanMyPhotos.com. You send in your pictures and they scan it and save on a DVD for you. A very simple process! The service is really as described on the website. It is easy, straightforward, and most importantly, very fast. Within a week, I receive my box of pictures back with a DVD. However, expect quality of a scanned image, that is if you have ever scanned a picture yourself. You know the quality is NOT the same as a digital-camera picture.

I have been wanted to do this for many years. The need to "scale down" my belongings while packing for the move to Hawaii really pushed me to do this. The deal gets better. If you have a facebook, a blog, flickr or myspace account, you can write about the service (as I am doing now) at those places and receive this special offer of scanning up too 1,000 4x6 pictures for the price of $19.99. That is a great deal. That is what I did. However, I paid extra $19.99 to have my pictures scanned in certain order. Those who know me know that I have all my pictures organized chronically since 1992, the year I first arrived in Houston. I want my digitized pictures in chronological order as well. In addition, ScanMyPhotos will send back your pictures and the DVD via UPSP priority mail but you do need to send in the pictures yourself. I spent about $19.00 for a box of 1,000 4x6 pictures. The total at the end addes up to about $60.00. I think that is the money worth spending!

I am very happy with this service and would highly recommend this to you. Of course if you are younger than me, all you know about pictures are all digital. So you don't need this service. This service is for people who still keep old-fashioned photos.

(pictures shared are my first and only road trip to Yellow Stone & Grand Canyon in summer 1993)

Renovation has started

What a week!

Friday morning, we went to IKEA to pick up my countertops. Good thing I have a Honda CRV that can haul long items. Those countertops are heavy to carry from my car to my apartment.

Then I went to school to meet someone who is interested in my car. We test drove around campus. I cannot tell if she is really interested. If so, she is probably not.

Then at 1:00pm, a conference call with Curt, YaTing and Georgette about our Youtube research. The meeting was productive and we pretty much divided the work and set some milestones.

Then I took 14 unfolded Dell boxes to my car then back to my apartment. They all come in identical sizes so it is easier to stack them up and transport.

After the boxes are in my apartment, I drove to June's house to babysit Claire and Ben. Ben almost ate nothing for dinner. Claire is really a big girl now. I remember when I was her age, I knew a lot of stuff. It is just that we see children growing up but often forget that they have grown. They are no longer baby.

After dinner, I took them to the temple where we have our Friday night chanting. I am really impressed with Clarie. She tried to follow the Chinese and could stay focused most of the time.

I was exhausted when I turned home.

Saturday morning, I was trying to finish a paper review for the journal. My cell rang.. Mr. Huang is coming over to start the work today. Today? Okay.

At the end of Saturday, I have a new tiled bathroom and a brand new toilet. The kitchen floor is almost ready. They will continue Monday.

Sunday morning, I went to Conn's first. I have all the addressed written down for Home Depot and Sears as well. I visited Lowes the night before. The cheapest range will be over $400 after adding up delivery, installation & haul away. But the earliest they can come is end of June. Wow, I don't want to wait for that long. When I walked into Conn's, I immediately saw this floor model on sale - manager's special, sold as is, a flat top range, black, original price in upper $500, now for $310. Wow, I took it. Mr. Huang will take it to my place Monday.

I bought 7 door knobs, 4 door stoppers and 2 smoke detectors. My place will look rather attractive after the renovation, I think.

What a week!

$5 worth of knowledge

I took several boxes of "stuff" to donate this morning, Good Well, Half Price Bookstore, Dress for Success. I received two donation receipts at the end. What a relief to be able to hopefully put some of my old clothes for good cause. There were four brand new (two of them still had the price tags on it) suits and some pretty good clothes that I took to Dress for Success. Good Well received 2 boxes of my winter clothes, one comforter and one feather sleeping bag.

I also took two boxes of books, mostly textbooks to Half Price Bookstore. In five minutes, the guy at the other end of the counter told me he will take all of them for $5.

$5 worth of knowledge! All of the books, many of which were in hardcover, were older version. Imagine how much time those authors spent in writing those books, how many hours editors spent proofreading it, and finally went to print. Many trees later, the books are in our bookshelf only to worth nothing when it is out of date. "Can I just leave them here and you recycle them for me?" I asked the guy on the other side of the counter. "Sure," in his motionless voice.

So that goes the $5 worth of "knowledge"! Seriously, nobody should write and print books anymore. Put everything on the web so it can be updated all the time. You print only when you need to.

one-way ticket

My good friend Georgette told me that she was thinking about me last night. The thought that I will buy a one-way ticket to Hawaii and never come back freaks her out.

Why? I asked

Because we don't usually buy a one-way ticket, Georgette replied

That is true.

I have done it four times this life

Firs time, August 1992 when I purchased a one-way ticket from Taiwan to Houston. I came to study masters degree.

Second time, June 2004 when I forgot my visa in Japan and purchased a one-way ticket from Japan back to Taiwan. I found my dissertation topic from this unexpected detour.

Third time, July 2004 when I purchased a one-way ticket from Taiwan back to Houston to continue my pursuit of my doctorate degree.

Four time, August 2008. I will buy a one-way ticket to Hawaii where I will pursuit my tenure-track Assistant professor career. At least give it a try.

The truth is, we can always "go back" even when we purchase a one-way ticket.

The real one-way ticket is our life, I told Georgette. We can never "go back."

How ready are we going along our one-way journey in this life?

I officially resigned today

So I turned in this letter to Vera, the department chair today. It is as official as it can be. This is the point of no return! Goodbye Houston. Hawaii, here I come!

June 17, 2008

Dr. Vera Hutchison officially
Chair
Department of Curriculum and Instruction
University of Houston

Dear Dr. Hutchison:

The purpose of this letter is to inform you of my resignation from the Department of Curriculum & Instruction, effective at the end of my summer employment.

This was not an easy decision to make. The past six years have been very rewarding. I've enjoyed studying here, teaching and working for you. It was such a blessing to be able to teach classes. Those experiences have helped me grow to be a better educator.

I have accepted a tenure-track position as an Assistant Professor in University of Hawaii. This opportunity will further my growth professionally and I will be closer to my families in Taiwan.

I wish you and the department all the best

Sincerely,

Meng-Fen Grace Lin

good days and bad days

Good days are days when I am eager about a new life in Hawaii

Bad days are days when I question why in the world I would make such a foolish decision.

Today is one of those bad days.

I went to a grant writing workshop this morning. While listening to mostly informational talks, I kept thinking to myself, "isn't this much more fun than being a professor at a university?"

Okay, I know many people would switch place with me in a heart beat. But, today, I don't know why I decided to move away from everything I know, everything I have built, everything I work hard for.

Today is one of those bad days.

what is left?

Yesterday Mr. Hao came over and gave the estimate. It will be about $3,500 to renovate the entire place. My ex-roommate also came over and gave her estimate. It is much cheaper if she did it. Then today, Merry and Jerry came over and maybe they will buy my condo.

The idea of selling my condo is fairly new. For the longest time, I never thought about selling it. This property is never intended for investment purpose but more for a place for myself. This is my place.

The good news is that selling it will mean one less thing to worry about.

But, what is left for me?

I am not sure if I am scared or just simply too attached to the condo. If I don't owe it anymore, what is left for me? Five years from now, what will I "have"? What is it about "having something" so important? I never felt I needed another person (husband, boyfriend, partner) to complete my life. I am perfectly fine being single. However, why am I feeling uneasy about losing my condo? What does owing this condo mean to me?

Maybe we are naturally seeking permanence in life. We want something stable, always there, forever. In theory, we know nothing is permanent and nothing is forever. However, we need the idea of it to feel secure and stable. This is where the gap between theory and practice lies. I understand it but I cannot practice it.

This is too hard.

PAWS

Today I met Sabas, a very nice sales rep at CarMax. While waiting for my car to be appraised, we started talking. I shared with him that I am moving to Hawaii but then I complained about how expensive it is to ship my car. He immediately pulled out a piece of paper and wrote - P. A. W. S.

"Paws?" I questioned.
"This is what I told my children," Sabas looked straight into my eyes and with 100% sincerity, he continued, "it stands for Positive Attitude Will Succeed."

"If you keep reminding yourself this acronym when you feel down, you will always find something positive in any situation."

I am inspired by Sabas, a very gentle, sincere middle class, average America. When I told him I will be teaching at the University, with a little envy in his eyes, "you mean you are a professor?" With my confirmation, he complimented me, "you must have a lot of education. For me, I don't have very high education."

No matter how high a person receives his or her formal education, there is no substitute for life experience - PAWS. You don't learn PAWS in textbooks. You do by meeting people like Sabas.

Meeting Sabas was the best thing for my visit to CarMax. The appraised value is only $5,500. There is no way I would sale my car for that little. Even the appraisal engineer agreed that my car will be sold in no time because it is in great condition and very low millage. I know. So I am not selling it to CarMax. Sorry. :-)

proof of existence

How do you know if you exist?

I am throwing away all documents before 2005 - all kinds of statements, bank, credit card, phone bills, electric bills, financial statements, returned checks. Most of them are well filled chronologically. They were so carefully reserved for what? When I decided to trash them all, one question arises in my mind. What if someone asked me to show proof that I have indeed lived in this country since 1992. What can I show to that person my existence? Are these papers the proof? What are their function anyway?

When I throw them away, what is it that I am actually getting rid of? Is it my past? But past has already gone anyway. Is it my existence? But I am still here today. Is it history? What is the role of a personal history preserved in documents such as phone bills and credit card statements? Do I want my existence defined by these documents? Without these documents, do I lose the proof of my existence?

Why do I need to prove my existence in the first place?

all my attachments

So what do you get rid of?
How do you make the decision?

I was going through all my clothes. Many of them I no longer wear. Some of them still have the original tags on it. Rest of them I rarely wear. Most of them are not top of the line and are not worth too much.

Do I bring all of them to Hawaii? If not, how do I pick and choose? None of them are ware and tear, all of them are in good condition.

I take out one, thinking I have not put it on for several year
So I put it in the give-to-good-will pile
Then I hang it back to the closet, thinking this might be the one I will need

If I make the cut based on how often I actually wear them, then most of them will go to the pile
If I make the cut based on the possibility I will want to wear them, then most of them will stay

Souvenirs and gifts are a little different, especially gifts

do I get rid of this glass grapes? mom gave it to me
do I get rid of this UHCL sailboat? a friend gave it to me
do I get rid of this picture? it is a friend's family picture
do I get rid of this certificate? it shows my progress in learning Buddhism

How about my 11 picture albums? What am I going to do with them? Am I going to haul all of those pictures all the way to Hawaii?

The easiest things to give up are the big furnitures for practical reason: it is simply too expensive to move them across the ocean. The hardest things to let go are these personal items.

Attachments. I have more then I realized!

Laundry without detergent

So I was doing the second load of laundry then I realized that I forgot to put in the detergent for the first load! This tells you how absent minded I am. This morning the dryer repairman came. $65 later, I learned I need an electrician to fix the wall unit and the burned cable. My mind was just too preoccupied with the details of finding an electrician, scheduling the time, getting the dryer repairman back, and in between, trying to find a cheap ranger to replace the broken on in the kitchen. I figure I can still do laundry since the washer is still working. So I was doing laundry while trying the new Laolima (Hawaii Sakai) for the first time.

Too many things are hanging over in my mind... hard to concentrate

so you come back later

"I hope you settle down quickly. Keep in touch with TBA and I hope you come back soon"

Abbot called. It is heartfelt that he is sincere about helping me settling down in Hawaii. He called someone who then called her cushion -- Yuhui. Yuhui lived in Hawaii for many years but has just moved to Japan 2 months ago. Yuhui called me from Japan after talking to abbot I. We exchanged email address and skype account then talked on skype for a while. Even though she is in Japan now, she still visits Hawaii and knows a lot of people. She introduced me to Julia (Chu Hui) who is a real state agent and an active member at Fo Guan Shan. Yuhui was very happy to have spoken with me and she said, "now I can call the abbot back and report to him that my job is successful."

Sure enough, the abbot called me after they two have talked. The conversation with him was brief. Even though I was quite touched that he would go through the trouble to introduce me to these people, I was a little taken back when he said he wanted me to "come back soon."

Isn't this a little too late?

Of course he also indicated that we all of us in Hawaii, maybe he can come and visit us some time.

Hmm...

constant changing mind

I am amazed at myself these days of how fast I change my mind.

One day I think I will ship my car, the next day I think I will sale it and just take the bus in Hawaii. I kind of want to change to a hybrid car anyway and maybe this is the time to do it.

All these times I never thought about selling my condo. Today, this idea came to my mind. Maybe I should just sell it for good. Once I don't have any attachments in Houston, this might help me move on with my life in Hawaii.

So if I get rid of my car, my condo, most of my belongings, what will be left with me? My value is not defined by how many things I owe. Then how is my value defined?

More Buddhist mp3 availables

I tried this new service from SeeqPod. Quite neat and easy to use. Tried some keywords such as "Buddhism" and came up with many things. Interesting.

SeeqPod - Playable Search